Hi again,

I want to rant, but it's a strange want. I don't normally get angry about things, well I do, and then I obsess over them, and then I do something that makes me feel better. Normally takes a week or more, and normally the thing I have to do has very little to do with what made me angry. It's never the same, but always the same. I just need to find my center again.

I'm a strange student. I don't like to drink, going out drinking makes me uncomfortable, and clubbing always makes me feel slightly ill.

But on Saturday I thought, why not? I'm in with a new group and I wanted to be friendly, and for most students if you say you don't want to go out drinking with them they think the problem is them and not the drinking part even if I explain.

It was more than slightly embarrassing. There was six of us, two couples and me and Chris. Now Chris is a nice enough lad, but he's not my type. He's already made me feel horrid once by accident, and I'm sure if he tried he could wreak my self-confidence. I'm not getting involved with someone who hurts me without thinking, just because he doesn't know this thing called tact. We certainly have things in common, and we can both make each other laugh. To me that means he could easily become a friend. Not a boyfriend. Anyway I have my eye on a boy in my course that seems to like me too.

So anyway I was already uncomfortable, and the others kept declaring that they were going to get me drunk. That made me angry, but I laughed it off. I never drink enough to get drunk, and I'm very careful of what I drink. I refuse to get drunk just because someone thinks I should, and I'm not getting drunk with people I don't trust as far as I could throw a house.

Anyway we went to Ride2 and had some drinks, (I didn't, but I had a sip of a cottail). Then we went to the weatherspoons and I had a small drink, and everyone tried it cause I refused to say what was in it, so I knew it wasn't spiked. (Ok, bad person I know, but like I said, I didn't really trust them that far when they were trying to get me drunk.)

Then it was decided we would go to Bar Rumble. I had never heard of this place, never been in it, and the others weren't saying what it was like.

I HATE Bar Rumble. It was a club. A crowded, too loud music, club. I had already said I disliked clubbing. I didn't say why.

I paid to get in, only a £1, and we walked to the bar. Then the music hit me. And I do mean HIT me. I ran out, nearly in tears, about to throw up as the room spun and I barely knew left from right. It was a good thing there was only one direction to get away from the music otherwise I wouldn't have found my way out.

Then I stood outside in the cold, trying not to cry, as I tried to regain my sense of direction and settle my stomach. I hadn't been that badly affected by a club for as long as I remember, and I still feel ill now. I normally avoid the places that make me ill, I normally avoid clubs that I don't know well, I normally avoid places that have music that unsettling.

I'm so glad Chris walked me home, because I don't think I could have found Robbins even if I was just a street away. Currently I'm afraid to go exploring again simply because if I got lost at the moment I really doubt my ability to know where 'home' is. And I always know in which direction Robbins is, I have since a week after I moved into the halls.

I didn't even know which direction to go in when we got to central Robbins, I almost went north until Chris asked 'Where are you going?' And I know Robbins almost as well as I know my own room, in some ways better.

It fightens me to think I was in someplace yesterday that I should have recognized, and yet my directional sense was saying I was going the wrong way. It's a good thing I enforced a strict route yesterday, or I might have wandered off like I normally do and gotten completely lost.

Today I had trouble finding a building I have been in dozens of times because it wasn't where my mental map said it should be. I had to look at a map of the university to find a building that I've been going into for a year and a bit.

I'm terrifried, and angry, and upset. It's not fair.